so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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