I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He has the fingertips of a God
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
