we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
