It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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