the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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