tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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