This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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