We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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