dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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