she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
