She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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