She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So much rum. So many feels.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
