I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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