Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
