Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
