I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
