yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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