Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
