then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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