i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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