Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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