There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just found puke in my bra..
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
