I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
