6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
