I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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