I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
