Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
