apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
