i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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