They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
