I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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