So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
