Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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