I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Randomize
