Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
