u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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