im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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