Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
