it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
