A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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