for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
