There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
