My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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