Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
