well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
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