her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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