so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
