There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Randomize
