I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
