Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
