You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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