i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
