Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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