im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize