Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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