Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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