he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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