finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
