your parents love me but you hate me
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Randomize
